8 Cs That Define a Healthy Relationship
Which Most Couples Overlook
Relationships have a pattern.
In my 40 years as a behavioral healthcare provider, I’ve seen an overlooked pattern; while couples often focus on the chemistry between them, they ignore the everyday actions that actually create healthy, long-term relationships.
Healthy relationships aren’t built on huge actions, but on small, repeated actions and considerations. I call these the 8 Cs of a healthy relationship; Consideration, Cooperation, Communication, Collaboration, Compromise, Compassion, Caring, and Compatibility.
Further explanations:
1. Consideration: This is about awareness and thinking about your spouse’s needs, feelings, and experiences, by taking the initiative without being prompted. These include:
- Asking if your spouse had a stressful day.
- Maintaining a calm tone during conflict.
- Discovering your spouse’s emotional needs.
Most people who lack consideration “take their partner for granted.”
2. Cooperation: This is the opposite of competition, and looks like:
- Sharing household chores.
- Supporting each other’s schedules.
- Adjusting to your spouse’s life when it becomes stressful.
This often involves balancing career and relationship time, and failure to do so will often result in resentment, which can be a relationship killer.
3. Communication: This is the foundation of a relationship; without it, this would be like constructing a high-rise building without first laying down a structural foundation – without that foundation, the relationship will collapse.
- Using both positive and negative “I feel” statements support clarity of your communications.
- Using Active/Reflective Listening, helps your spouse feels listened to and understood.
- Being Honest in your positive and negative communications results in building trust.
Research in psychology shows that couples who communicate regularly actually build strength in their relationship, with benefits from both positive communications and conflict. Surprisingly, conflict can actually help build a stronger relationship by allowing opportunities for understanding, curiosity, caring, and concern.
4. Collaboration: This is the glue that brings the couples’ vision to reality.
- Healthy Couples collaborate on lifestyle, values, goals, decision-making and problem-solving.
- This is about fostering the “We” in the relationship, in addition to the “I.”
5. Compromise: Given that disagreement and conflict are normal realities in a relationship, compromise is the equalizer, galvanized by the love that they share.
- Avoiding the Win-Lose dynamic and embracing the priority of kindness in the relationship is promoted by compromise.
- Based on findings of marital researcher Dr. John Gottman, happy couples accept influence from each other and are flexible rather than rigid in their communications.
6. Compassion: This is a critical ingredient in a relationship that involves emotional safety.
- It means being supportive rather than critical of each other. “Criticism,” according Dr Gottman, is one of four factors that can lead to divorce.
- Seeking understanding, instead of giving knee-jerk reactions, creates a “pause button” in your response.
- Demonstrating humility during conflict often results in a shorter period for returning from a conflict back to normal.
7. Caring: This is an important expression of love that touches the other’s heart instead of their head.
- Daily acts of kindness and concern reflect caring expressed to your spouse: See The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, which are: words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, and receiving gifts.
- Remember that Actions Speak Louder than Words: Being emotionally available is important, but following through on a promise creates support for your spouse.
8. Compatibility:
Two people are compatible when their personalities, values, communication styles, or lifestyles fit together well. The quality of “Temperament” is part of this characteristic and can be an essential part of a healthy couple dynamics.
The word generally implies:
- Harmony
- Suitability
- Mutual Fit
- Ability to function together without major problems
Healthy attitudes breed healthy relationships.
Healthy relationships aren’t created with a magic wand but by the actions and considerations described above. The result is stability, support, and a positive long-term relationship.
When any of these 8 characteristics are missing or rated low on a scale of 1-10, relationships tend to deteriorate. However, a Relationship Therapist can help the couple see the light at the end of the Love Tunnel toward a healthy relationship. The good news is that all 8 of these can be learned and applied, despite an individual’s childhood history, which may lack these characteristics. It’s never too late, no matter how old or young the relationship is.